Things I Saw in a Strip Club

Marc 182 <marc182@primenet.com>

Funniest thing I ever saw in a strip club
 
It was in Yuma Az in a dusty little club with asphalt-tiled floors called Toppers. It may even still exist. The girls were a mix of locals (not so great) and college girls from San Diego who drove up for the weekends (much better). Maybe six girls in all. Present, besides myself, were some jar heads from the Marine Air station, some farmer/rancher types, and a bachelor party. This added up to quite a crowd for the club and for once the girls were having problems spreading themselves thin enough to cover the customers.
 
The bachelor was pretty trashed by the time they dragged him on stage.  Every girl in the room was up there for him.  They tied him to a chair and proceeded to thoroughly break the 18 inch rule.  Although tied, the man of the hour attempted to use his nose and mouth to make contact. The girls were tolerant and once he over extended and tipped over his chair. Everyone howled and a couple of the dancers managed to right the chair with him still tied to it.
 
All in all it was a far better time than I ever expected to have in Toppers, but it got better. The front door flew open and in waltzed the bridal party: bride's maids, maid of honor, and the bride herself. As she plopped into a stage-side seat she enquired, "Hi honey, what are you doing?"
 
The groom was clearly a man with a problem. The dancers attempted to re-arouse his earlier participatory behavior, but he sat stock-still through the rest of his dances. I was laughing hard enough that I was worried I'd upchuck my beer.
 
Later the groom's men and the bride's maids started dancing with each other and the club degenerated into a disco. Stage and table dances were abandoned and I had my first standup dance with a stripper, a pretty nursing student from SD. I also got invited to the wedding; I grew up in Yuma and it turns out the best man may have beat me up at Woodard Junior High. I wasn't able to make it however.
 
Scariest thing I ever saw in a strip club.
 
She caught me eye as she worked her way across the room. She systematically hit every table that held a customer, zig zagging towards stage-right. She got nothing, no one was biting at the tattooed crack-whores that evening. I knew it would happen, but when the inevitable came I still didn't like it...
 
I had "no thanks" on my lips but she extended her hand instead.  How do you turn down an extended hand? I reached for the shake and she clasped my hand in her cool dry papery palm and drew me forward as she leaned in. Up close I saw pallid skin stretched too tight across facial bones to sag like I think it wanted to.  "How would you like the best table dance you've ever had?" she whispered directly into my ear. Her voice was hoarse, as you'd expect, but there was a strange clicking sound to it.  I realized that her tongue was sticking to the roof of her mouth as she spoke. I felt like I'd just been addressed by a mummy.
 
Recoiling back into my chair, I got out the "no", I couldn't include the "thanks".  I tried to pull my hand back, but that only drew her towards me. "How about one for two dollars?" her desiccated voice rustled in my ear. I felt an ice water IV flow through my veins as my hackles rose. Thoroughly disturbed, I snatched my hand back and snapped "NO!", all pretense of politeness gone. She simply walked away to the next table.
 
I sucked beer and tried to dismiss her, but really I watched her. I simply couldn't look away. She repeated the scene she'd had with me at each table, missing no one.  As she leaned into each customer I could hear that dusty voice in my own mind. When she reached the far wall she rebounded like a drugged pong puck and hit the same table she'd been rejected from not 20 seconds before. Now that she was headed back my way, I realized that my position had become untenable and I took flight.
 
The most embarrassing moment I've had in a strip club.
 
Courtney was always one of my favorite dancers. A gymnast in high school, she showed it on stage, making the Vertical Pole worthy of an Olympic event. But most impressive was her ability to do a handstand, then hand-walk across the stage to finish with a vertical pushup or two. Impressed as always, I proceeded to the stage to present a tip. "Damn," I said, "someday I'm going to challenge you to arm wrestling!"
 
I was back at my seat, chatting with Shae and Bridget when Courtney got off stage. She proceeded directly to us and started cleaning off my table. As my beer, menu, and funky candle were taken away from me I asked what was up.  Bang! She slams her elbow down on the table, hand up and extended towards me. "Let's do it!" she challenges.
 
"Um, well, I said someday..." I weaseled. But Shae announced, way louder than she strictly needed to, "Hey, Marc's going to arm wrestle Courtney!" And then Bridget says "I'll put a five on Courtney, anybody?" So then Shae is being bookie, there are two little piles of cash on the next table, and the girl on stage is just standing there, shading her eyes against the lights and watching. I sighed and clasped her hand...
 
Shae did the three count, and nothing happened. Our arms and hands just stood there, perfectly vertical. After a bit, some vibration was visible. I don't know if it was exciting to watch, but I do know I was about to blow a gasket. Christ this hurts!
 
Once, and then twice I redoubled my efforts, on the second attempt I moved her an inch. Encouraged I wiggled my butt in the chair and heaved. About half way down I was aware that she was turning on the juice, but it wasn't enough and I pinned her on the Formica table top. There was some scattered applause and more than a few groans.
 
For the next hour I drank beer with my left hand because my right was too shaky to hold it. I wondered how I would have done if Courtney hadn't just gotten off of stage with those handstand tricks.
 
Saddest thing I ever saw in a strip club
 
It was an office group outing to Ten's Showclub. Boys and girls from my work, plus a bunch of m/f Computer Science students invited by my wife. We had spread out over about six tables and were working up to totally wasted. We didn't care, we had a limo to drive us, and two of us had already been ejected to be driven home.
 
I was feeling pretty wrecked from this happy hour that had extended to midnight. Then someone extended her hand me.  I took it and heard her whisper, "how would you like the best dance you ever had?" I looked up and freaked, the mummy was back!
 
Yes it was the same dried up crack-whore who had single handedly driven me out of another club more than a year earlier. She walked away even before I got the "no!" out of my mouth. Directly to the next table where Oliver and Nat, two of our student employees, were sitting. I don't know why, but Oliver agreed to a dance, then two. Then Nat got one.  Then they started  buying each other dances and Nat had to use the ATM.  I know we don't pay our student employees enough, but when you have to hit the ATM to pay for $2 discount table dances - that's sad.
 
Marc
--
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