Strip Club Physics 101

nex2nuthin

12/02/2001

Okay, as a relative newbie to the posting game on this board--& not yet having received in the mail my Official ASSC Rule Book, my key to the ASSC executive washroom, or my custom latex ASSC beanie with propeller attached & the ASSC logo proudly emblazoned on the front with "Certified PL" silk-screened on the back in 16 custom colors—I gotta confess that I'm not sure the following is a true by-the-book duly-recognized official AFTSD contribution, since I originally posted it on the NYC Yahoo board earlier this year, tho it's never been posted on this one.

But since I usually generate a new idea only once per millennium & am therefore highly unlikely to come up with another one today, I figured what the hell--give it a shot. I'll leave it to the distinguished remaining members of the first cadre here to decide whether it qualifies as "authentic" AFTSD, or whether it should be considered merely another annoying post, as opposed to an especially annoying one. Anybody deeming it bogus can simply instantaneously delete the subject line's "AFTSD" from his memory--as he no doubt will the entire post once he's finished it.

Just as background, this treatise was originally presented during a profound discussion on the Yahoo board about how to quantify the *experience* of a close encounter in a strip club with a staff member of the opposite gender (i.e., an individual without a "staff" or "member"). Valjean had already developed a pretty standardized Mileage Scale & there had been various theories on how to assess quality on a 1-10 scale, but the question at hand was how to assess the entire experience & rate it on a "happiness index", if you will.

Various models had already been floated, as you can see from the quoted comments opening the piece. Not to blow my own horn (I *much* prefer strippers to do that), but I gotta say I was the only person to commit the time & energy to doing the necessary historical research that uncovered how the greatest mind of the last century, who was *way* ahead of his time (& therefore got plentya head *in* his time) solved this problem when mosta us weren't even old enuf to suck tit, let alone tip between 'em.

Here, then, straight from the cum-stained original notes of that renowned genius, is a summary of his solution to a puzzle that has baffled & perplexed all PLs from time immemorial:

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STRIP CLUB PHYSICS 101

[J-----]

That's it!! Maybe that's the simple equation. Something even simpler than nuthin's e=mc2 kind of thing. Just add the mileage level and the dancer level together, and the total has to be at least 15 for it to be worth it. Whaddya think??

 

[Valjean]

I always saw the satisfaction index to be mileage x caliber or S%=mc...Two other variables that are not included are time and $. They complicate things alot which is one of the reasons I'm still playing with my model

 

[Valjean]

We are talking about quantifying a completely subjective event. Of course, quality varies and is very important...Are you wearing a rubber where a BJ might go down to a 9.5 or does a rubber not bother you...If you factor in the cost, did you get...that 11 BJ for $50 bucks, or did it cost you $5000. Also, did she take 15 minutes and split right away or did you get to hang out with her for an hour or 2?

How would that affect you satisfaction? I have been trying to factor some of those variables into my model...I’m sorry to say it’s an inexact science.

 

[K---]

On the rating scale she's a 9...9 x 9.5 = 85.5 just doesn't sound right for this experience. What do you have to do to get an A in this class?

 

[Valjean]

You’ve got your math all wrong.

 

[nuthin]

Geez, when it comes to even rudimentary science, you guys are such fucking AMATEURS!

NOT AN EXACT SCIENCE???? Weren't you all REQUIRED to take the basic Introductory Physics 101 in school? Did you just SKIP the chapter on Strip Club Physics, for chrissake? That's always the FIRST damn chapter in the textbook--since students never read beyond the first chapter of physics textbooks, anyway.

FIRST OF ALL, the famous M = c^2/d formula isn't mine, it's EINSTEIN'S! And nobody's gonna dispute the fact that Einstein was a fucking GENIUS--even if he did waste the last 40 years of his life in an idiotic quest to debunk quantum theory. Sure, call ME a moron if you want--hell, everybody does--but I don't think anybody here is dumb enuf to try to take on the big E!

 

SECONDLY, while simple formulas like J-----'s or Valjean's may seem obvious & true--just as obviously, something both simple & true can't POSSIBLY be any fun!

 

MOST IMPORTANTLY, Einstein's formula wasn't just made up out of thin air, it was LOGICALLY DEDUCED! In a single stroke (the MOST a PL will ever get for free in a SC), it replaced 300 years of conventional, accepted Newtonian SC theory & still stands up firmly today, decades after anything Einstein himself possessed has ceased to stand up at all!

 

(As a side note, it may be interesting to note that Newton's interest in gravity was sparked NOT by being plunked by a falling apple, as is commonly thought, but as a result of his long observation, contemplation & hands-on study of "melons"--if you catch my drift.)

 

Newton's "classical" SC Theory was a simple, rather incomplete M = ($/d) + b, where M is mileage, $ is dollar AMOUNT, d is dancer quality & b is beer. It was the best anybody had come up with to that time & it seemed to give a fairly good approximation in most cases, but it failed to either predict or explain several key phenomena, such as why space, time & maturity always "warp" in the presence of massive mammaries, or why guys would so adore & miss a SC where they cleaned the bathrooms MAYBE twice a century, or why any male on earth would watch a show like "Rosie".

 

Newton should certainly be given credit for recognizing that mileage is always inversely proportional to feminine beauty & that everything seems a lot more exciting when you're drunk, but his theory didn't take into account the things Valjean mentioned, like expectation, time & "sensation". It also led to several exceedingly bizarre conclusions, such as that under certain special & very rare circumstances, a PL could actually enjoy an evening at Tens.

 

It was Einstein's genius to recognize that mileage was a RELATIVISTIC phenomenon, & that although mileage itself would be the same for any PL under the same conditions, the INDIVIDUAL factors influencing it could vary from customer to customer, depending on just how profoudly idiotic one might be.

 

This led him to reconsider the variables in Newton's equation & to replace them with more dynamic entities.

 

For example, Newton defined dancer quality as simply physical beauty, since in his day folks usually agreed on who was or wasn't a babe, & if there was any question about it, they'd usually just ask this guy named Ralph. For greater accuracy, Einstein substituted the concept of dancer RATING, which was rigorously defined by the equation:

 

d = (b/i) x (e/$*) x (f/t).

 

In this formula, b (breast size) is divided by i, which stands for a PL's "strip club" intelligence. Einstein recognized that not only are tits the only criteria used by most PLs to evaluate babeliciousness, but the evaluation of them depended on the astuteness of the idiot observing them. This is calculated using the formula:

 

i = IQ/d*

 

where IQ is the PLs standard "tested" IQ & d* is his sexual desperation, defined as the length of time since he's had some kind of sexual thrill, even the most minute.

 

Taking myself as an example: Let's say I'm observing a 36" breast. Give me the benefit of a HUGE doubt & assume my "tested" IQ is about average, let's say 100. While it seems like half a lifetime since I've had even a whiff of pussy, I suddenly recall that almost a month ago I accidentally glanced at the label on an old bottle of Aunt Jemima's & immediately got hard. Figure 25 days. So dividing 100 by 25, I calculate my "PL" or "strip club" IQ to be 4, which unfortunately surprises nobody. I then divide the size 36 pair I'm ogling by 4 & get 9, meaning that under the conditions prevailing TODAY, I rate ANYTHING with a 3 foot chest (even a fucking rhino) as a 9.

 

Now we come to the "expectation" part. This is a sliding scale of 1 to 10, but is in actuality a constant, since a PL always expects to see only 10s at any club he sets foot in, even if it's in Paterson. This is divided by $*, which is the dollar amount a PL estimates will buy him the charms of this 10. It turns out also to be a constant & also a 10, since every PL in creation believes he can get the world for 10 bucks. 10/10 = 1, which is the second fraction in the formula.

 

Now we factor in both sensation & time.

 

First of all, forget Valjean's silly point about condoms, since they're only needed either for extras--which a true PL NEVER actually gets in a SC, tho strippers promise them to him CONSTANTLY--or for keeping underwear splooge-free, which PLs don't give a shit about cause: (1) a true PL doesn't wear underwear in SCs; (2) by the time the average stripper's done with him, a true PL can't AFFORD underwear; & (3) a true PL routinely splooges in his pants spontaneously at least a dozen times a day for no apparent reason anyway, so what's the big fucking deal about doing it in a SC?

 

The key concept in calculating sensation is FABRIC, something known as far back as the ancient Greeks, even before there was money, when the going rate in SCs was 3 songs & a hj for a goat. Why the hell do you think those dudes wore TUNICS, for chrissake?

 

Newton largely disregarded fabric because: (a) the britches worn in his time were so thick, tight, stiff & uncomfortable that you usually couldn't even feel if you HAD a dick & (b) he recognized that even a novice stripper could figure out a way to blast thru 3 light years of solid lead if she thought there might be a dollar on the other side.

 

But Einstein realized the importance of fabric's contribution to a PL's potential satisfaction, & defined f as the thickness of the pants worn by the average PL in SCs. This is a very small number, practically zero. However, to ascertain the actual satisfaction achieved, we must divide this by the time factor t, which is the average duration (usually expressed in milliseconds) between (a)when a stripper first grazes her knee so lightly against this thinly clothed crotch that it's virtually imperceptible; & (b)when she first demands an additional tip. This also is an EXTREMELY infinitesmal number, about as close to zero as you can get. Since both numbers are essentially equal, diviing one into the other again yields a result of 1.

 

Therefore, calculating dancer rating when a rube like me spots a pair 1 full yard in circumference, we multiply 9 x 1 x 1 & get a rating of 9, which sounds about right.

 

The other major adjustment to Newton's formula concerned the role of money. Newton defined this simply as the total amount spent on a lap dance. Einstein ingeniously recognized that it was not so much the amount as the RATE at which the bills come flying out of a PL'S pockets, since giving a large tip at the end of a lap dance gets you nothing except a sugary "thank you" & a sexless peck on the cheek, after which the stripper rushes off to the dressing room to regale her laughing co-workers with the hilarious account of how she conned this hayseed into blowing all his rent money on air, whereas if he'da pulled out a Jackson or two right at the beginning, she woulda wet his wick a month's worth to find out how much there was & make sure she got it all. Therefore, Einstein replaced Newton's static $ term with c, which is defined as the SPEED of cash.

 

And when he saw the incredible glow (almost as bright as the Sun) emanating from the faces of "test" dancers as he dangled a single dollar bill in front of them, he knew this value had to be AT LEAST squared.

 

You may be wondering why alcohol, which kills brain cells & therefore impedes judgement, isn't factored into the equation. Einstein considered this, but rejected it on 2 counts: (1) if alcohol had any real value or importance, no PL would overpay for it; & (2) the fact that a PL, after paying 4 or 5 times what the same beer woulda cost him at the supermarket, has the incredible stupidity to feel he oughta tip a waitress or bartender an extra buck for ripping him off so outrageously proves beyond doubt that in the strip club continuum, all PLs are ALREADY brain-dead, ergo, you can't impair what ain't even there. Subsequent controlled experiments have verified beyond doubt that the typical PL is just as much a sucker in a juice bar as he is where spirits are being served.

 

Okay, let's plug in some numbers & see how this works. For the aforementioned dancer rated 9, if the PL tips at the rate of $3 per minute, squaring the 3 yields a 9, dividing by 9 yields a 1—which means this stripper ain't yielding much at all, & said PL's in for a long night of talk about tip-outs, clubs in Westchester & what a creep her boyfriend is cause he won't buy her a bike for her birthday (which for every dancer miraculously somehow always seems to be TODAY).

 

However, if this same PL DOUBLES his rate of expenditure to $6/minute, then 6 squared = 36, divided by 9 = 4 (or as it is commonly expressed, 0.4 Tabu; 1 Tabu = 10 mileage units, since everybody who ever went to Harmony certainly rates Tabu a 10). This is MUCH better, & with a 9 stripper usually means at least hand-on-your-upper-thigh & even possibly her first false promise of a blow job in the CR.

 

Notice how mileage increases dramatically when you're not so fussy about quality. If you're about as dumb & desperate as I am, settling for 28" tits at the same speed of cash will up your mileage to 0.51 Tabu. That's a 25% increase, which means that now she's licking her lips in aniticipation, your zipper is slowly coming undone & there is absolutely no question as to how well she waxes her pubes. This—more than on the stunners--is where you wanna consider stepping on the accelerator. Upping your outlay to $7/minute puts you at a phenomenol 0.7 Tabu; you're now at the brink of crashing thru the g-string barrier & her fingers are playing your dick like an accordion. Anything above 0.8 Tabu, break out the Purell in a hurry.

 

Obviously, the theory allows other ways to increase mileage wihout going to the poorhouse. At my dumb & desperate status, a 20" chest will bring you to 0.71 Tabu at only the $6 rate, but at that point you might wanna double check to make sure you're not really dancing with a boy. Or you can increase your sexual desperation, thereby reducing your strip club intelligence to unbelievably moronic levels. Under those conditions, some PLs have shot rivers of spunk in a night for less than a quarter.

 

Nobody has ever been known to achieve more than 1.0 Tabu & lived to tell the tale. This makes sense, since no true PL could ever possibly handle ONE woman like Tabu, let alone a squad of them.

 

Okay, that's the theory in a nutshell--& it's straight from the notebooks of the greatest mind of the last century, so I don't wanna hear any lip about it. And I hope this time all you bozos out there took notes, cause no way am I gonna run thru all this shit AGAIN!