Subject: A Dancer's Mistake
From: carmenth@ix.netcom.com(Kim Allen)
Date: 7 Nov 1996

        Well I don't know how to put this into words, I have really
never been a person who tells the world my life. But for this
situation, I think posting this may be the best way to get over it...
maybe after this, it can all end. There are some people who wish I did
this sooner... and they got me to understand the reason why I'm doing
this. You will have to bear with me, for I still don't know how I
should write this.

	As some people already know, I was dating an ASSCer. I thought
he was a good guy... well he had delusions but I know a lot of people
have them. He thinks he is GOD, which he is NOT. Y'all fed his ego. And
in some dancer's mind he was god to them too. They would put themselves
underneath him. But in reality he is really under us. He might be a
SMART, INTELLIGENT guy but he does not know how to socialize, interact
with others.  He just cares what he can get out of it. Don't get me
wrong a lot of people are like that. HE can tear apart anyone and find
out what he thinks is wrong with y'all. I'm tired of people thinking he
is god. He needs to know what he is doing is wrong. 

	 I almost let him take away one thing that I believe in. MY
Heart. Caring about people, telling people the truth but it is not just
saying it, it is how you tell someone. If you really want someone to
listen, you have to talk to them . Which is what he
does. HE just knows how to slam you. There is a lot more to him... But,
HE can't take his own advice.

	I first met him at P&Ps during dinner one night and we talked
all night long. I always said I would never see someone from the club.
But there was something about him that I liked (who knows what that
was). We made a date the following week. It was great. During the
following two and a half months we were together, he was sweet and nice
to me. For me, I have been alone for so long I missed having someone
around. But during this time, he told me about this other dancer he was
seeing, but she wouldn't give him more. She had boyfriend. The more I
heard, the more it sounded to me like they were in a fantasy of their
own. But I tried to get him to tell her that if he loved her so much,
as much as she claims she loved him then why wasn't she with him. Well
anyway it did not work. He really does not know what love is. I was
still with him during all this. I put up with him while he wanted her
and me at the sometime. Most men would want this kind of fantasy.
		
	When we would try to talk, he would end up just slamming me
about what was so fucked up about my life. My life is not the best, I'm
not prefect. I made a lot a bad mistakes, but that is what life is
about, learn from what you do. Then I tried to break up with him. He
would not let me go. So I thought I meant something to him. But he
would still call the other dancer on the phone from my home. Not just
for a minute, hours on the phone. I should have just let him go then.
But when I did try to break up with him he would not let me go. HE
would just call me all the time and even once he sat outside my porch
for 4-5 hours. He would say he was sorry for all the things he said
about me. I thought he meant that. So I finally broke down and let him
in. I cared for him. He said that he would give up the other girl. And
that he would start listening to me when I would talk. But three days
later we got in a fight, and he said that he meant everything he said
about me. He didn't really like a thing about me. Everything I did was
wrong. I still tried to get this to work out. His way of helping was to
give me money. But I needed someone who could help me stand on my two
feet. Not always put me down but believe in me. Not just to buy my
affection. Well I did make him pay some of my bills... he was living
with me at that time. 

	He finally understood that the other dancer wanted him on her
time only (at the club). But, he still loved her and she supposedly
loved him but he admitted they were in a delusion, a fantasy... of what
they wanted. But even after all of that, I still tried to give this
relationship a chance. He finally did give up the other girl for me. He
even stopped going to the club. Well the reason he did that is that he
now had a life but before he did NOT. He went to CP to "play god". And
y'all played up to that. I thought it was pathetic for someone to go to
the club as a substitute for real life. Don't get wrong, I think the
club should be for fun every now and then. It is an entertainment
business. But not real life.

	But I knew the relationship could not be the same as it was in
the beginning. I had learned too much about him that I didn't like.
When I told him "no", he didn't listen to me. When he would touch me in
places that I didn't want to be touched, he would not stop. It was like
he didn't know what NO meant. So I would hit him on the leg or on the
back of his head... well it wasn't a hit, it was more like a slap. Not
really hard, but to get him to stop. I could tell him a million times
to stop but he would not listen. That when on for a while.
 
	One night we got into a yelling match. I wanted him to go, but
he would not leave. I pushed him to get him out of my house. Well I
finally got him out of my house and just locked the door so he could
not get in. He tried everything to get in. At this time I was not sure
what he would do. All he did was yell all kinds of things about me and
hit my front door. Bubba called while this was going on and by this
time I couldn't even talk, I was hysterical. But he could hear him
scream at me over the phone. Bubba was scared what he was hearing and
tried to calm me down... scared that something like this was happening
to me. The next minute my window was broken. I could not believe it. He
put his hand though my window! My neighbors called the cops and they
came and told him to go. He did after 15 minutes of bitching with the
officers.

	But then my stupid ass still let him come back. HE said the
things I wanted to hear. I wanted him to see who I was. HE said he
needed me, that he loves me. Things were ok for awhile... But they were
really not ok. Things did not change. He was still doing the same
things to me. He still didn't know the word no, and he was still not
listening to me, he was putting words in my mouth. I didn't know what I
was doing. Then I knew what I had to do was let him go. But I did not
know how to do that. Even after all that, I still cared for him so
much. Before when we broke up he would just come back and say things
would change, but they never would. He still put me down when I
wouldn't say what he wanted me to say. He still thought my outlook on
life was fucked up. The thing that was fucked up was that I was with
him. 

	One morning he woke me up to ask why I was acting different. I
just wanted to sleep... Well it didn't happen. I wanted to get my
thoughts togther before we could talk about this. I told him it was
over. I told him about how he made me feel. That he was destroying me.
Etc., etc., etc. He did not like what I had to say. He started to talk
about my son. And how I was a bad mother. I SLAPPED HIM IN THE FACE.
What the fuck does he know about kids??? I asked him to get the fuck
out of my house. But he kept going off at me. I finally got him near
the door. He wanted to take back the disk drive he gave me. I said I
would give it to him when I got all of my files off of it. Well he
still wouldn't go. I tried to call 911 and he would not let me. He kept
calling me everything in the book. Then out of anger I SLAPPED him in
the face again. Then I got hit in the head. All I could hear was a
ring. He dropped to his knees. I just wanted him to go away. This is
hard to write. He finally went. 

	Out of all of that, I can't believe he did that to me. That he
hit me. He made me doubt myself. I do not want this to go on anymore. I
want y'all to know, I didn't want to say anything to anyone. But that
Sunday was a hard day for me. My head hurt so bad that I could not do a
damm thing. I should not have gone to work that day. I couldn't face
y'all guys, especially Bubba. I should have learned my lesson. I
shouldn't have let him back after he broke my window. But I did... All
I wanted to do was cry. That night was hard for me at CP. My head
wanted to blow up. All the noise was killing me. If it wasn't for Bubba
being at the club, I don't know what I would have done. All I remember
is going to get my son at the babysitter. And sitting down on the steps
at her house. Next thing I remember, I was at the hospital, throwing
up. Six hours there overnight. The doctor told me I had a concussion.
That I needed to take it easy. I had to take drugs for the next couple
of days. The next day was ok, but then again I was drugged out of my
mind. So I just tried to forget what had happened. 

	When will this all end? He will not go way. He still calls me.
Now I just don't asnwer the phone. How can I move on?  

	I hope this will end it.
                Kim