Lap Dancing National Park Proposal

Mr. X Dissiest has proposed a National Park based on Lap Dancing. While the idea 
certainly merits further consideration, I think some fine-tuning is in order.

First, it seems that much of the discussion here in ass-c is based upon the idea of 
"exhibits" of some sort or another. Don't forget, this is a park, not a museum. The 
idea is to display items of natural wonder in a scenic setting where tourists can go 
to relax, spend money and befoul the environment.

Lap Dance National (LDNP) Park should be in an area that typifies the natural 
wonder it is exemplifying, but at the same time, should take into consideration easy  
access, practicality and function. So, for example, since Yosemite Valley is easy to 
access and build roads into, it was developed for all its worth. This made it 
justifiable to dam the adjacent Hetch-Hetchy Valley and completely destroy it; 
people understood, because you can't save everything, and besides Hetch-Hetchy
sounds like a sneeze and people would keep saying "God bless you" to the rangers.

So, in keeping with that theme:

- LDNP should be majestic in scope. Ideally, this means putting it into the largest 
industrial area available. This honors the American tradition of keeping lap dancing 
on the fringe. I think we can probably recommend a few Pittsburgh steel mills that 
will be appropriate. They will have plenty of catwalks and big, flat-topped drums for 
the dancers to work on.

Some dramatic lighting would really make it special. (Remember "Flashdance"?) If 
we fire up a couple of slag smelters, there will even be a dramatic place for the 
bouncer/rangers to toss unruly customers, er, guests. All in good fun, of course.

The mills will also have many buildings for the different "eco-systems" described 
below.

- Just as the Grand Canyon contains many different eco-systems, from desert to 
alpine to riverside to um, canyon, LDNP should demonstrate all the different types 
of lap dances. One builing can house the Los Angeles exhibit, where the dancers 
are all wanna-be actresses, and the lap dances are unpredictable in "mileage" due 
to variance in local enforcment and lunar phases. Every day at 3 p.m., a corps of 
rangers will re-enact "the changing of the guard," symbolizing the vice crackdowns 
that occur whenever a political campaign is in progress. Another building can 
represent Tampa, San Francisco, Houston, East St. Louis, Memphis, Detroit, New York, 
etc. The wide diversity of laps, from clothed, no-touch to nude, zipper-down, no 
undies (i.e., "live sex") should be represented.

- LDNP should offer a historical perspective. Just as you can feel like a pioneer 
among the buffalo at Yellowstone, LDNP should let you see what lap dances have 
been like through the centuries. A "pre-historic" exhibit at the LDNP Nature, um, "Au 
Natural" Center will feature life-sized wax replicas of U.S. as well as internationally 
relevent personages, demonstrating the worldwide importance of lapping,
including the discover of lap dancing in Lapland, by Olaf Innenouten and Inga 
Wuttapooter,in 1585; Geoffrey Chaucer getting some frottage from his mistress 
between writing chapters of "Canterbury Tales"; Thomas Jefferson, getting it on with 
an unidentified slave girl, before writing the Declaration of Independence; U.S. 
Grant proving to Miss Melodie Thompson of Atlanta that the South may not rise 
again, but he will; all the way up to modern times, where a fully animatronic replica
of Bill Clinton chants "Go, baby, go," as Gennifer Flowers rides his lap in the 
gubernatorial limosine, while Hillary, dressed as chauffer, in a jaunty cap and 
dominatrix-style cross-your-heart strap dress, peers, smiling into the rear-view mirror...

Ah, but I get too detailed for such a preliminary stage of development.

- LDNP should be educational. Just as Bryce Canyon National Park teaches about 
soil erosion, limestone calcification and other forces of nature, LDNP must teach the 
young people of America the important factors in the creation of the lap dance 
phenomenon. The impact of aberrant psychology, hormonal imbalances,  
dysfunctional families, the economics of excess wealth, and sexual politics should 
all be conceptually visible in the park. Ideally, this should be accomplished with lots 
of trees and wildlife, or failing that, a really angry dancer with a machine gun.

In addition, a qualified ranger should give a slide show lecture every Friday night 
around the slag fire, called, "Myths of Lap Dancing: Happy Guys and Gals Just 
Doing it for Fun and Money."

- LDNP should be interactive. Just as diving in Pennekamp Reef National Park is a 
fully immersing sensual experience, LDNP should be a fully immersing sensuous 
experience. Not only should all of the above items be on display to visitors, but, of 
course, visitors should be able to receive lap dances typical of any historical era 
and any regional flavor. So, for example, one should be able to request some Olde
English frottage, as given in the Mons Venus in 1984. Conversely, one might desire to 
_give_ Thomas Jefferson a Chez Paree-style booth dance, thus teaching the old 
man a few things about "pursuit of happiness."

The technical hitch here is in the execution. Park rangers have not shown a 
proclivity for being able to give or demonstrate proper lap dance technique, and 
those surveyed have refused point-blank to wear either period costumes or t-backs. 
Department of the Interior tests using wax replicas have yielded unsatisfactory tests, 
though Interior Secretary Bruce Babbit said it was "good enough for him." Tests in
conjunction with the Walt Disney Company to build animatronic lap dancers have 
yielded mixed results. For one thing, it results in pretty heavy dancers. One test 
resulted in a zipper being not only polished, but melted together when the robotic 
figure could not be turned off after a voltage surge. Test subjects complained 
about the noise of the hydraulics, but agreed that loud music and obnoxious, 
animatronic DJs would probably drown that out.

The most worrisome aspect occurred in tests performed on field mice with little, 
teeny tiny robotic lap dancers -- called "Pelvettes" -- created using the latest in 
nanorobotic technology. The Pelvettes were designed with adjustable grind rates 
that the mice could configure at will. In virtually every case (exception noted 
below), the mice would start with the rate set low, but would gradually increase it 
until set at maximum, at which time they would sit in place for hours on end, neither 
eating nor sleeping, stopping only to withdraw money from a tiny ATM created
for the experiment. 112 mice died before scientists stopped the experiment after 
complaints from animal rights groups and the lab rats who served as bouncers in 
the experiment. The only exception was a genetically engineered "Z-Mouse" -- so 
named for an extra sex chromosome it carries -- who wore out 48 Pelvettes and 
sneered at the scientists when they discovered that several missing Pelvettes were
actually living with him in his cage and were driving his exercise wheel.

Well those are my thoughts on the Lap Dance National Park. X Dissiest has come up 
with a brilliant idea, but it still needs some work.

Oh yeah, the budget office has determined that the usual five dollar per car entry 
fee just won't work.

David