an358646@anon.penet.fi (SubSonic)
Subject: "Pop Quiz"

PROBLEMS
(with apologies to John Updike)
 
1. A, while getting a lapdance from B, is fantasizing about C, who is perched atop 
the lap of A's best friend D, who is seated next to A. C is A's former favorite dancer, 
with whom he has shared innumerable delightful, intoxicating lap sessions (and 
more than few penetrating discussions about differential equations) over a four-
month period. Three weeks ago, however, during one of A's twice-weekly visits to 
the strip club, A was a little short of cash and was deeply disturbed by C's 
consequent neglect of him. As a result, he vowed to never again purchase a 
dance from C. Instead, he consciously cultivated a relationship with B, known by all 
to be C's main rival. (Indeed, A chose B for precisely that reason.) However, despite 
B's ministrations and considerable charms, A finds his mind drifting and his eyes 
wandering forlornly to D's lap, where C is grinding away, unaware of A's gaze. D is 
completely oblivious, having lost all sense of the outside world once C began her 
dance.
 
Problem: Whom has A most profoundly betrayed -- B, C, D or himself?

2. The strip club has a cover charge of $10. A averages 5 lap dances per visit to the 
club, at $15 per dance (plus the occasional $5 tip); he visits the club twice a week. 
Drinks are $5 (plus a $1 tip for the waitress); there is a two drink minimum. The 
amount that A spends tipping the stage dancers is represented by x, and is directly 
proportional to the number of drinks A orders, represented by y, and inversely 
proportional to the number of other customers sitting around the stage, 
represented by z. (A is a soft touch and tends to tip extravagantly when he 
perceives dancers' feelings are being hurt.)
 
Problem: Assume that x = 4y and that y and z are unrelated. Calculate the number 
of drinks A can order and still have money left over to bribe the policeman who 
pulls him over at 2 A.M. for driving while intoxicated.

3. A's strip club expenses are as given in Problem 2. Fearing that he is addicted to 
lap dancers, A has entered into therapy with Dr. E. The cost is $125 per session. A 
visits Dr. E once a week, except in the summer, when Dr. E is often away and his 
schedule slips. After three months of therapy, A calculates that his strip club costs 
have dropped to 72% of their previous level. However, Dr. E then moves his office to 
a building located in the same outward direction as the strip club; as a result, A's 
visits to the strip club quickly increase by 17%. A's monthly take home income
fluctuates wildly -- he is a free-lance writer -- but averages around $2750 a month. 
He has about $12,000 in non-retirement liquid assets.
 
Problem: How long can A go on like this before he starts borrowing from his 401(k) 
plan to feed his habit? Round to the nearest week.

4. C is disturbed by the loss of A's attention and the corresponding drop in her 
income. She vows to win him back from her arch-rival, B. Knowing A's weakness for 
the Catholic schoolgirl look, C purchases 1 plaid skirt for $26, a package of 4 pairs 
of white knee-high socks for $12, and a pair of cheap saddle shoes for $32. For 
purposes of computation, assume that these are C's only expenses.
 
Problem: Assuming that B is still relying on the lime green vinyl dress with the thigh 
high black boots, how many seconds will it take for C to recover her costs from A?

Extra Credit: Calculate the number of drinks C must ply A with before he dons the 
plaid skirt himself.

5. A, much to his astonishment, finds himself in bed with C. Having fantasized about 
this eventuality almost daily for four months, he is disappointed to discover that C, 
despite her beauty and sultry demeanor, is in fact a rather inhibited, unexciting 
partner. The event lacks intimacy. That night, as C lies beside him, A dreams of a 
giant cat that captures him and keeps him in a ferret cage, occasionally taking him 
out on a leash for "training sessions" involving body worship, balloons and oral 
servitude to the hood ornaments of expensive Hungarian cars. The scene is 
strangely compelling to him; he awakens in a sweat and masturbates quietly as C
sleeps beside him.
 
Problem: How many Continental frequent flyer miles are required for a round trip 
coach ticket to San Francisco?
 
Hint: Keep in mind the following theorems:
Midas's Law: Possession diminishes perceived value, immediately.
SubSonic's Corollary: Gravitational attraction varies inversely with attainability.

6. Dr. E. has declared that A is "making considerable progress." To celebrate, they 
visit the strip club together. A has just received a huge advance from St. Martin's 
Press for a proposed book about the O.J. trial, and has money to burn. B and C are 
both long gone from the club; B has returned to school full time and C has joined a 
convent. There are a number of exquisitely beautiful and interesting new dancers. A 
and Dr. E are in the VIP lounge, being attended to by several of them, and are 
having the time of their lives. The dancers are fawning and gorgeous, the cover 
charge has been waived, the drinks are free. The club is rocking; the DJ is playing 
A's favorite song.
 
Problem: Something feels wrong. What is it?